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a box of stupid.

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[07 Oct 2006|10:14am]

Once upon a time nobody posted here for years and years and so I killed you all with a kukri.
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Gah [13 Jan 2005|06:27am]

Alright, so here's the deal. I joined this LiveJournal community, right? It was called "Three Containers of Nonsense." Okay, so in the bio, this guy says don't make any introduction posts when you join. Sounds reasonable enough, eh? So I post a story or two, and then I see this fool who has deliberatly posted an introduction post. I was immediately distraught, and of course I feared for the sanctity of the community. Anyway, finding out about people on LiveJournal isn't that hard, because a lot of people flaunt their public information all over the place. Needless to say, this person wasn't going to be very happy when I caught up with them.

So I manage to hitch-hike across Canada by riding a frenchman like a horse. I arrive at the perpetrator's house and peer into the window. He is busy at work, joining communities and post introductory posts. That bastard. I rip off my shirt, Rambo style, displaying my weak, pale abdomen, and jump through the window. I grab the biggest shard of glass I could see, whirl around, and fling it straight into his eye.

So this guy stands up, screaming. Ungodly amounts of blood are gushing from his eye, and the remains of it are dangling down the side of his face. He claws with his fingers at the shard of doom stuck in his eye until I whip out a sawed-off shotgun and blow his right leg off. A cloud of red splatters onto the wall behind him, and he collapses on the floor, sobbing. I toss the shotgun aside and stroll up to his quivering, dying body. "That'll teach you, I cried out with victory. I kicked his head off with my elbow and ran away laughing like a maniac.
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[19 Apr 2004|07:29pm]

Yesterday, I was walking down the street and this guy came up to me and he says he really needs some money because if he doesn't have some the aliens are going to come and take out his spleen. I feel all sad and stuff, so I gave him a buck. Then he thanks me and walks away but then the aliens come anyway and abduct him and I'm all like "what an idiot" and I start to walk away but then I'm like "hey, that's a perfectly good dollar" so I get my laser cannon and blow up the alien spaceship but in the end I blew up my dollar too and so I couldn't buy a Kit-Kat. So I blew the store up too.

I love Kit-Kats.
15 comments|post comment

[19 Apr 2004|08:15pm]

OMG so I went bowling with these people and this guy named MutantHamster only that's not his name was bowling with a 9 pound ball and so then on the last frame round thingy he bowls wit ha 16 pound ball and he drops it and falls over and I am HA HA HA.

So then I whip out my Glock and shoot everyone in the head. Except me. And as their blood rushes out, mingling with the lane oil to provide a uniquely slick surface for skating around in your socks, I debonairly blow the smoke out of the barrel like in a movie and then I fall over and slide down the blood-slick bowling lane into the pins and I'm all AW RULE STRIKE but then the jaws of doom that is the pin resetter picks me up and launches me upward into the deep dark recesses of the bowling alley and so then I'm running away from the death pixies and stuff and then I'm all "I AM so sick OF THIS" so I leave and go to the bowling alley arcade.

Where I play a bowling simulation only then the cops come.

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vacuum + tissues = BAD STUFF [18 Apr 2004|12:09pm]

[ mood | rampaging ]

So there was this vacuum, and there was this chick, and luckily she wasn't me, and she vacuumed up a tissue, actually three tissues all at once, and they clogged the vacuum and so she went on a mad insane raging rampage and destroyed every single vacuum manufacturer in the entire world.

And then she dug the tissues out with a fork and some immense willpower.

2 comments|post comment

"Do I feel lucky?" [11 Apr 2004|11:11pm]

Well, this one day, I went to the shooting range, and then I drove over to my greenhouse. I was busy working with the plants when some guy drove up looking for directions. I walked over to him to ask what he wanted, but he seemed all hesitant and jumpy. I wondered why until I realized I still had my .44 Magnum strapped to my hip. Then I said: "Go ahead, make my day." And then I shot him.
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School sucks worse than your mom. [09 Mar 2004|01:02am]

[ mood | predatory ]

So this one time I was at college and I said I was on scholarship and this guy kind of tilted his head and looked at me and was all "... what sport do you play?" And I said, "I play the sport of going to class and doing my damn work and doing it damn well, since this is theoretically a school," but what I really wanted to say was "DON'T YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT ORIGINALLY SCHOLARSHIPS WERE GIVEN OUT SO THAT SMART PEOPLE COULD GO TO SCHOOL UNLIKE NOW WHEN THEY GO TO SUPPORT DUMBASSES LIKE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN MOVE A BALL AROUND A FUCKING FIELD."

And I'm sure I reinforced all of his perceptions that smart people are uppity and useless for anything but copying quizzes and homework, but I should have reinforced the side of his head with my fist.

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Warning: The consumption of alcohol makes you think you're more badass than you actually are. [07 Mar 2004|09:28pm]

[ mood | lazy ]

So this one time I'd had some rum and Coke and it made me think I was all super enough to tell my dad not to use an ethnic slur in front of my little sister and then he yelled at me and then Mom yelled at me and then I killed my entire family and piled the bodies in the bathtub and poured Drano on them until they were all dissolved and then I filled the bathtub with green goldfish crackers and then I sold the house to some unsuspecting Jehovah's Witnesses and moved to Tijuana.

And then my little sister, who is entirely too nosy for her own good, read this entry while I was taking a crap and she was going to be scarred for life until I explained about a_box_of_stupid and how this entry was just a story and I'd never actually do anything like that and it made her feel better, which will keep her unaware of the black mamba snake I am sneaking into her bed tonight.

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[04 Mar 2004|11:16pm]

So this one time I was managing a LiveJournal community, and this guy I didn't know joined it and posted this retarded story. You know how sometimes people will write these incredibly stupid stories that are laughably idiotic porno stories where like they go to the doctor and the nurse is examining their dicks and of course she decides the best course of action is to give him a blowjob all under the pretense of a medical examination? And then at the end they have the nurse "diagnose" him as having a big dick? Well, that's exactly what it was, except the entry was about 197,000,000 words long and even stupider than it sounds. So anyway, I deleted the post and banned him from the community. Then, I performed the preemptive tactical maneuver of burying him alive in my next-door neighbor's backyard. That'll teach them to play the loud music late at night! Although actually they stopped that about a year ago.
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bloody havoc wreaked [27 Feb 2004|11:04pm]

So this idiot ordered the smallest size pizza possible for delivery, and then called back three times complaining that the crust wasn't thick enough, despite the fact that he didn't even ask for thick crust in the first place. He was quite the bastard about the whole thing, so I dug his address out of the computer, drove to his house, got the battleaxe out of my trunk, and proceeded to wreak bloody havoc upon his home and person.
10 comments|post comment

a box of chocolates [22 Feb 2004|12:21pm]

[ mood | okay ]

I had to go shopping yesterday. I hate shopping. I managed to lose my already-half-defective watch while I was at it, too.

In consolation, I bought myself a pound of chocolates and sat in my car in the parking lot in the rain. I like to cut my chocolates in half before eating them, so that I know what they are and whether I want to save half for later. Unfortunately, there were no knives or other similarly sharp objects located in the glovebox, so I braved the thunderous downpour and got the battleaxe out of the trunk. It chopped the chocolates in half quite nicely, and later on, when a few of my coworkers spotted me, it was very helpful in convincing them that no, I did not want to share my chocolates with them. I like chocolates.

8 comments|post comment

[21 Feb 2004|10:42pm]

Hey, guys. This is a good one.

This is a great one.

I mean, this is like, just the totally awesomest story like you wouldn't believe. It's coming, okay? All right, this is really a good story. A really good story.

So... like...

No, wait. Okay, so there was this -- no, no. Wrong one.

Hold on, hold on, I got it. Right. This is really a great story.

No, wait. Wait. Yeah. Okay, so.

One time I ate a bug.
8 comments|post comment

[21 Feb 2004|07:15pm]

So this one time I was hitchhiking to Washington, D.C. for some hot theater loving, but somewhere around Topeka I got a ride with this trucker and he drove me back to Colorado which he was not supposed to do, and then him and five other truckers tried to gangrape me, so I ran to a mall and they chased me, and I ran into a knife shop and bought a sword, and by the time they found me I had already slain them. I took some Polaroids of me standing over their ensanguined corpses and from then on I just hitchhiked with little old ladies (of course I had to hide my sword to do that). I got to Washington D.C. and went to the rendezvous point but the girl who it was supposed to happen with was all "what the fuck, I was only kidding, I barely even know you, plus you killed six people with a sword, I'm not sleeping with you" and I cried and cried on her doorstep until she told me to get the hell away from her because I was creeping her out, and so I went to the gutter and drank myself to death and now I'm writing this from hell.
16 comments|post comment

[20 Feb 2004|09:14pm]

One time, when I was in elementary school, I was on the bus with this girl who I used to have a crush on and she and some other girls were talking about Cabbage Patch Kids and I started waving my hand in front of my nose because I was a geek and I was trying to imply that the topic stunk and she didn't notice right away, so I had to say, "Kate. KATE." and then she looked and she dismissively said, "He who smelt it, dealt it" and I was all "NO I MEANT THE TOPIC OF CONVERSATION" and I was embarrassed. Also, I was a GIGUNDO GEEK. And that was how I learned the phrase, "He who smelt it, dealt it."
2 comments|post comment

[20 Feb 2004|06:44pm]

So this week I'm sick, and I went to work anyway, and this one guy was all, "Please don't cough on me" and I coughed on him and he was all, "HEY" and so I punched him in the gut and then when he was doubled over on the ground puking I yelled "WHO'S NEXT, FATHATS?" and this one guy started to clear his thoat because he had a piece of chicked stuck in there so I gave him a tracheotomy. Also I believe in violence.
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[20 Feb 2004|05:32pm]

So today I had English class, and we were taking a test on this style book we were supposed to have read, but I didn't buy it until two minutes before class. Well, that's the not the point, the point is that during the test I noticed a couple of greenish cancerous gangrenous chunks of skin next to a couple of fingernails. So I did what anyone would have done, I scratched, tore, and bit them off. It made me bleed and I had to go to the hospital and they said I have hand cancer and SARS and AIDS and I only have a week to live. I didn't like that news, so I bit off their fingers too. Then they cried and it made me feel better.
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Ever been to Chili's? [17 Feb 2004|03:13pm]

Saturday night I took my family to a place called Chili's. My son got a hamburger- he loves ‘em. And my daughter got chicken fingers. My wife enjoyed a delicious tossed salad while I got their signature Chicken Ranch sandwich. It was absolutely delicious. We ate some fudge brownie dessert and went out to the bookstore to browse books. They had some great books on US History for sale and I bought a couple. Paid 10 bucks for 3 books on US History. Instead of posting on here the last few days, I learned about US History- furthered my mind. I'm not make subliminal hints towards you people to stop posting in here and do something with your lives, I'm just saying try reading and educating yourself. If you have children, help them with their homework or help your wife with her gardening, cooking, and clothes washing. I'm starting to do that more and I couldn't be happier now.

Have a pleasant day.
12 comments|post comment

[17 Feb 2004|10:31am]

So this weekend I ran a game that's the d02 system and basically, Lynette killed everyone and then I killed Lynette.
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Have you ever changed your mind at the drive through? [16 Feb 2004|11:11pm]

I did it last night at Popeyes. When I got to the place where you speak into the menu board said, "Be with you in a minute." As I thought about what to get, I remembered the fresh new bottle of blue cheese dressing in my fridge, and suddenly I started thinking about pizza. At that point I made my decision- I needed pizza. I was courteous and waited rather than be an a-hole and just drive off. She said, "May I take your order."
I said, "To be honest, I just got a hankering for some pizza. Sorry about that."
"That's ok" the voice said.
I said, "I just changed my mind, that's all. I like this place though."
I went home and called the local pizza joint and had them deliver two larges.
5 comments|post comment

[16 Feb 2004|08:15pm]

So today I was all like "waaah moan I'm an emotional wreck somebody fix it" but everyone was all like "no" so I bashed my head on the wall seventeen times and at least I have a new paint job in my room, now.
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